I was 16 when I became pregnant with my first child. I had only been with her dad for a few months, which in teen time is forever and we were so in love! I wasn't necessarily a bad kid, but I wasn't a straight A student with huge plans for my future either. When I found out I was pregnant I had mixed emotions, a baby is amazing, they're so cute and cuddly, but I also knew they were a lot of work! I told her dad first of course, crying to him about not knowing what to do. I knew I couldn't terminate the pregnancy, but I'm so young I haven't finished high school, what is my family going to say? He was 17, he had no bright future or plans either, I think he was excited for this baby? He told me not to worry, that he'd always be there to help and we would make this work! I felt hopeful that everything would be ok and we would be a happy family in the near future.
My older sister found out first and told my mom, who was pretty disappointed in me, and nervous to tell my dad, so was I! He wasn't a strict man or had he ever given me any reason to be scared of him, but disappointment was eminent. We waited as long as we could wait to tell him and he did not hesitate to make his disappointment known, but he was more than supportive in my decision to raise her and love her. I learned that day what unconditional love feels like, my mom has always been very obvious of her love for me, as I think most moms are, but my dad, my dad is a very quiet man. Him being there for me in this very trying time in my life and supporting my decisions meant more than any words he could ever say!
Then there were my grandparents, my dads parents, they are pretty religious and I was concerned about how they would feel about the situation. I was too scared to tell them in person so I wrote them a letter explaining everything and praying that they would except my situation. They too were more than supportive. They offered to babysit so I could finish high school and did just that and more for me to help me have a future.
Once I knew I had all of this amazing support my outlook changed dramatically! I'm going to be a mother! I will be 17 years old and I will be a mother! I wanted to know everything about this little creature growing inside of me. I wanted to cherish every second of her inside my belly I read every book I could on the subject of being pregnant. I skipped the pregnancy diet one though, I just ate and ate and ate thinking I needed lots of extra food to help her grow (don't do that by the way). I remember being so excited when my belly started to grow and show, it was a little embarrassing going to school with this, more than obvious, sign that I have had sex. None the less, I was still happy, happy feeling her first kicks and finding out that she was in fact a she! I had so many visions of her future and the amazing person she would be! My beautiful little girl, with this whole big amazing life ahead of her! Worried for all the bad in this world that could hurt her, physically and emotionally.
The day she was born my water broke at home and I went straight to the hospital. Her dad, my mom and dad all in attendance as I painfully pushed this amazingly gorgeous little girl out of my body. And there she was, more beautiful and sweeter than I had imagined. Every emotion possible flooding my system at once with one simple glance in my direction, I did this, I grew this being in my body! God chose me to take care of this little person, that's a huge responsibility! I work at McDonalds, I haven't even finished high school. I haven't even thought about college, it's always been irrelevant to me. People survive without going to college right? I have to go to college, I have to provide everything possible for this beautiful little girl of mine. She is my responsibility, everything I do now is for her, her happiness and well being are my top priorities!
I brought her home, to my parents house, and never once relied on my parents to take care of her for me. Maybe once in a while here and there but she was my baby, my little girl. They did help financially and my grandparents babysat so I could finish my senior year of high school. I had a lot of help emotionally from my family because her dad, he wasn't ready to be a dad. He thought he was but when it came to actually taking care of her he was gone, and it didn't take too long for our relationship to end. I wanted him to grow up and take care of his daughter and for us to be a family. He wanted to be a kid and ignore his responsibilities. Well, I of course didn't have a choice, but if I did I would have chosen her, I guess ultimately I did choose her! I could have left her with my mom for her to raise while I went out and partied and stayed a kid, but in my mind I never had a choice, she was my everything, my reason for living! I'm not saying I was perfect, I definitely made mistakes, but ultimately it always came down to what was best for my little girl!
The next couple years her dad picked and chose when to see her, drugs were his main priority, and that made me most sad for her to not have her father in her life as a stable relationship. This made me feel guilty that I couldn't give her that. I'm already failing as her mother, I can't even give her a father that will be there for her and show her the kind of love my father showed me.
With help from my family I started nursing school, I wanted to help bring babies into the world! Shortly after that I met David, and her dad pretty much disappeared from our lives. I finished nursing school and David and I had a baby together and got married! When she was 5ish David adopted her quite easily since her father hadn't seen her or paid child support in over 2 years. We didn't even have to ask permission. She loved him, and he treated her as his own flesh and blood, no questions asked!!
Theres much more to this whole "motherhood" thing than meets the eye, I have a lot more to say but not today. Stay tuned!
No comments:
Post a Comment